Luczsce utomlenyj i sdwinutyj "R" ni czem kakoj "R" wobszcze.
--old Russian proverb, badly transliterated.

My feeling about technique in art is that it has about the same value as technique in lovemaking. That is to say, heartfelt ineptitude has its appeal, and so does heartless skill, but what you want is passionate virtuosity.
--John Barthes (Stolen from laughingwoman, merci.)

I'm all heartless ineptitute today. End of April and time for controlled burns (of forest and not teapot varieties) applied mentally of course (which is a wonderful verb, to course, linguistic vines search for similar verbs-from-nouns around which to coil, work net work).

My sister is going to college in the fall, and in her scholarship search has come across the following:

In honor of Women’s History Month, ARRID® Antiperspirant/Deodorant and The Women’s Museum: An Institute for the Future are looking for extraordinary young women to be entered in the ARRID® Total Women of Tomorrow Scholarship Contest.
Do you know of an outstanding young woman, currently a junior or senior in high school, who embodies the following attributes?

* Strength of Character
* A Clear Vision
* Pioneering Spirit
* Community Stewardship

If so, we encourage you to nominate her directly on-line accompanied by a 500 word essay describing how your candidate fits the 4 criteria. Scholarship prizes will be awarded to three young women from across the country: Grand Prize: $10,000, 1st Prize: $5,000, and 2nd Prize: $3,000. Nominators of the Arrid® Total Women of Tomorrow winners will receive: Grand Prize: $1,000, 1st Prize: $500, and 2nd Prize: $300.

Okay, so it's deodorant, but it's also money for school; besides, the nominators are included in the prize winnin's. How could I refuse her? I asked L. to send me some notes on what she'd like me to include, and she sent me a very my-sister reply.

-----

Hey Rach: maybe this'll give you some ideas for writing that essay. Besides the incentive of $1000... hmm... you could use the $ as much as I could... :-P. Anyway, mom wants me to write the essay, but I’m too tired to do much of anything right now, so here’s some info you can use.

"Clear vision": I want to work in emergency services, so I joined CAP and do search and rescue, and joined the vollie fire department. I spend my school vacations at training schools and camp to learn new skills and keep them up. I spend my free time studying, practicing, and instructing in my specialties. I volunteered for the position of cadet ES officer in my CAP squadron and have devoted time to helping organize our resources and get new cadets trained. I’m going to major in marine safety and minor in emergency management at Massachusetts Maritime Academy.

"Strength of Character": Umm... yea. You know me. I'll do anything, any time, any way to get it done. Integrity, leadership, followership, decisiveness, etc... I take a bunch of new cadets under my wing every few weeks and make them become a working group of individuals. "Lead, follow, or get out of the way". Most of the time, I'm in front. I pull my team from the front, instead of pushing from the back. In my line of work, the ability or lack thereof, of being able to think on your feet and make the right decision can mean the difference between life and death. I am loyal to my friends, department, and team. The right decision is the one I make, though it may be difficult at times.

"Pioneering Spirit": I'm one of three females in a fire department of 50. I go the extra mile to prove my worth. I strive to be "one of the guys", trusted and capable on the fire ground. There’s nothing I won’t try and if I find I don't like it, I won't quit in the middle of the job. I will reach the finish line, screw the weather/injuries/demoralization (100 mile bike ride :-) ). I prove my worth to myself and others by working hard, trying new things, crushing things that challenge me, and being a rip-royal pain in the ass until something's done how I think it should be done. I drag people in with me if I think they could be an asset to the team. I'm always looking to get more women onto the fire department and into CAP. There needs to be more of us. Eventually we'll get all the guys in line.

"Community stewardship": Aw hell, you know what I do. I fight people’s worst nightmare. I chase ELT’s across the great state of Massachusetts. I work with the USAF, I perform community service with the church youth group, and I help rebuild houses with the Americares Homefront project. I volunteer for anything, giving back to the community more than they give to me (except maybe a neat t-shirt… ya gotta see the nice one I got at the CT fire academy). I expect nothing in return, but the satisfaction of doing a good job for the benefit of my neighbors. I can't sit around and do nothing as property burns, people suffer, and the poor guys at the air force rescue coordination center listen and watch ELT’s pop up on the computer screen signaling potential aircraft crashes.

Anyway, that's about it. Now all ya gotta do is put it together in a nice essay (which I know you can do better than anyone else I know). Just remember, it all ain't for me, you get benefits too if the almighty judges like your essay. Good luck :-)

-----

I don't know how we're related, but I'm glad we are. I love my Lo.

Foxfire

God is my secret; he knows I'm his girl. You don't
know what he's like. Sometimes he licks my face
like a cat lapping cream. I almost caught him once,
but he disappeared down the bole of an oak.
I know he loves me because he gives me presents.
I found a bottle cap once, Red Fox Root Beer,
on the path I take through the aspens. You've never
seen it in a store, have you? A sign clear as candy.
And a bar of soap by a bend in the river, scented
with Rome apples and never used. I bathed with it
for a month, my evening prayer, till it was gone:
God wants his gifts used. The suds down my leg
like apple blossoms on a branch in the dark.
You say he's not real? As soon tell a mother
the child's not real that suckles at her breast.
I stayed with him all night when he had a fever,
fed him shards of ice to keep him alive, and when
I had no water, I cooled him with my own spit
till I couldn't swallow. Who are you to judge?
Come out and you might see something—foxfire
from the rot of a fallen cedar: he's mine.

--Robert Thomas

A friend's recent post has got me thinking of relationships with fathers.. notes for soon:
- friends with father relationships like this
- Plath's "Daddy" and I yell because I love you but I don't have to say so
- My own, My father who I love, and who else counts as dad?
- others oh others, ease but then joy but then jesus, why, pain isn't even the word.

It will be a good project but it brings the blood out of my fingers and up to my cheeks, heartbeat. small.

For the filedrawer:
Cameraman killed under streetlamp

Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a fairy, hand in hand,
For the world's more full of weeping
Than you can understand.
--William Butler Yeats

Oh so it's going to be one of those days. No matter. Talking late last night about things remembered only after they make the body stop and look up at the head as if to say, "well?" What a strange thing, remembering. I can remember faces and dates and whole passages from Yeats and our phone number when I was five; I can't remember what I ate yesterday or anything I write ever or how the knee that had stitches felt when it hurt, only that it did like some weird telepathic symbol for having-hurt-at-some-time. I conceive of "remember" as "to call to mind" but what I want is to call to body and I can't most of the time. For this I'm profoundly grateful. Maybe an on-off switch would be helpful, but would I ever use it? Please.

Copulation is the parody of crime.
--Georges Bataille

Silence is violence when letters are due. I'm always working on it; jabber but no action. Takes me six years to do anything. Translation: I will buy stamps tomorrow. I will write to two grandmothers, a 15-year-old boy, a pioneer girl. To Roses and violets and white flowers blooming. (this is not a patriot metaphor.) I miss lilacs in the dooryard; spring solstices make soulstitches and it's on the mend, amen.
*
the new nine muses: Commerce, Operatic Music, Amor, Publicity, Manufacture, Liberty of Speech, Plural Voting, Gastronomy, Private Hygiene, Seaside Concert Entertainments, Painless Obstetrics and Astronomy for the People.

Ulysses. Circe, lines 1707-1710 (J.J.)

I Wish I knew How it Would Feel to be Free
(As sung by Nina Simone)

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free
I wish I could break all the chains holding me
I wish I could say all the things that I should say
say 'em loud, say 'em clear
for the whole round world to hear.

I wish I could share all the love that's in my heart
remove all the bars that keep us apart
I wish you could know what it means to be me
Then you'd see and agree
that every man should be free.

I wish I could give all I'm longing to give
I wish I could live like I'm longing to live
I wish that I could do all the things that I can do
though I'm way overdue I'd be starting anew.

Well I wish I could be like a bird in the sky
how sweet it would be if I found I could fly
Oh I'd soar to the sun and look down at the sea
and I'd sing cos I'd know that
and I'd sing cos I'd know that
and I'd sing cos I'd know that
I'd know how it feels to be free
I'd know how it feels to be free
I'd know how it feels to be free

Nina Simone, the jazz great whose rapsy, forceful voice helped define the civil rights movement, died Monday at her home in France, her manager Clifton Henderson said. She was 70.



A peaceful rest to you, Ms. Simone.

*
Daphne said, "I bet no one is more surprised than Iggy that he's 56 today" - I bet she's right.
More from Daphne Gottlieb:

the frightening truth about desire

it's on but
i don't know
whether i want
to be
her, fuck her
or borrow
her clothes.

*

banality:

ten bands/artists you couldn't live without:
[01] Björk
[02] Pearl Jam
[03] Nirvana
[04] Ani Difranco
[05] Ben Folds
[06] The Smiths
[07] Radiohead
[08] Lou Reed
[09] Aretha Franklin
[10] Bela Fleck

nine albums that are important to you:
[1] Joni Mitchell - Blue
[2] Tori Amos - Boys for Pele
[3] Ben Folds - Live
[4] Roses - December 2002 (mixCD)
[5] Jhary - Slightly Askew (mixCD)
[6] Poppy - blue-baebe (mixtape)
[7] The Cure - Kiss Me Kiss Me Kiss Me
[8] Adam - Only Children (mixtape)
[9] Counting Crows - Live Across a Wire

eight movies you'd watch over and over:
[1] Secretary
[2] Dreams (Kurosawa)
[3] Sense and Sensibility
[4] Imposters
[5] Some Like it Hot
[6] High Art
[7] Illuminata
[8] O Brother Where Art Thou

seven things that annoy you:
[1] sharing a room
[2] dial-up
[3] "feminist" said with a sneer
[4] police actions
[5] the Likud party
[6] the inability to focus on more than one person at a time
[7] hot weather

six of your favorite songs*:
[1] Ben Folds Five - Hey Summer
[2] Ani Difranco - Slide
[3] Joni Mitchell - California
[4] Counting Crows - Chelsea
[5] Cassandra Wilson - Last Train to Clarksville
[6] Dave Brubeck - Audrey
*(as of right this very moment)

five tv shows you watch regularly:
[1] early episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (taped)
[2] the occasional Simpsons episode
[3] the even less frequent Six Feet Under episode
[4] -
[5] ...(I don't have a tv)

four of your all-time-favorite books:
[1] W. Faulkner - The Sound & the Fury
[2] A. Roy - The God of Small Things
[3] N. Juster - The Phantom Tollbooth
[4] A. Rand - Atlas Shrugged
(am currently reading D. Delillo's Cosmopolis and it is lovely lovely lovely.)

three albums you've bought recently:
[1] Ani Difranco - Evolve
[2] Chuck Mangione for $.25 on vinyl
[3] er.. bought? gracias a P2P piracy.

two musicians/actors you would like to have wrapped up & sent home as present to self:
[1] James Spader (for Zillah. or ought it be Julian Sands?)
[2] Ally Sheedy

one band whose music would be described as writing the soundtrack of your life:
[1] I hate this question. (Radiohead)