Good Friday at St. Joseph Elementary meant the day off from school and the afternoon in church; Stations of the Cross took forever in the incense-hazed half light and Mass ended without ending, the lights turned off and parishoners filing silently into wet spring.

Matthew 27:11-54:

Now Jesus stood before the governor: and the governor asked him, saying, Art thou the King of the Jews? And Jesus said unto him, Thou sayest. And when he was accused by the chief priests and elders, he answered nothing. Then saith Pilate unto him, Hearest thou not how many things they witness against thee? And he gave him no answer, not even to one word: insomuch that the governor marvelled greatly. Now at the feast the governor was wont to release unto the multitude one prisoner, whom they would. And they had then a notable prisoner, called Barabbas. When therefore they were gathered together, Pilate said unto them, Whom will ye that I release unto you? Barabbas, or Jesus who is called Christ? For he knew that for envy they had delivered him up. And while he was sitting on the judgment-seat, his wife sent unto him, saying, Have thou nothing to do with that righteous man; for I have suffered many things this day in a dream because of him. Now the chief priests and the elders persuaded the multitudes that they should ask for Barabbas, and destroy Jesus. But the governor answered and said unto them, Which of the two will ye that I release unto you? And they said, Barabbas. Pilate saith unto them, What then shall I do unto Jesus who is called Christ? They all say, Let him be crucified. And he said, Why, what evil hath he done? But they cried out exceedingly, saying, Let him be crucified. So when Pilate saw that he prevailed nothing, but rather that a tumult was arising, he took water, and washed his hands before the multitude, saying, I am innocent of the blood of this righteous man; see ye to it.

Why rest but not paradise? The answer should be easy and isn't.

Shir hama'alot, b'shuv adonai
et shivat tzi'yon, hayinu k'cholmim
Az yimalei s'chok pinu ulshoneinu rina
Az yomru vagoyim
hig'dil adonai la'asot im eileh.
Hig'dil adonai la'asot imanu hayinu s'meichim
Shuva adonai et sh'viteinu ka'afikim banegev.
Hazor'im b'dim'a b'rina yik'tzoru.
Haloch yei'leich `uvacho nosei meshech hazara
bo'yavo (yavo) v'rina nosei alumotav.

Chag sameach a bit late, for you members of the tribe.

Saw new Cronenberg film Spider. Quiet, slow in a good way, subtle - this is not a screaming-breaking-killing descent into madness, but rather the breakdown of that madness. Ralph Fiennes' continuous but barely audible mumble speaks louder and more clearly than any spoken dialogue. Worth seeing.
(More on broken-time narratives, visual cues, following child self, webs, glass, language - later. And the writing, the illegible wordless journal! How do we create our history etc.)

He fell for an eighteen-year-old girl with one of those deepdown, spooky loves that made him so sad and happy he shot her just to keep the feeling going.
--Toni Morrison (Jazz)
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Now reading: The Metaphysical Elders

Quo-tated:
I'm certainly guilty of transgressing previously established boundaries in relationships to satisfy immediate concerns.
Yeah. That. Re-hashing old books.


I didn't mince my words, I said to her myself,
Hurry Up Please It's Time

After Lalon

I
It's true I got caught in the world When I was young Blake tipped me off Other teachers followed: Better prepare for Death Don't get entangled with possessions That was when I was young, I was warned Now I'm a Senior Citizen and stuck with a million books a million thoughts a million dollars a million loves How'll I ever leave my body? Allen Ginsberg says, I'm really up shits creek

II I sat at the foot of a Lover and he told me everything Fuck off, 23 skidoo, watch your ass, watch your step exercise, meditate, think of your temper- Now I'm an old man and I won't live another 20 years maybe not another 20 weeks, Maybe the next second I'll be carried off to rebirth the worm farm, maybe it's already happened- How should I know, says Allen Ginsberg Maybe I've been dreaming all along-

III It's 2 A.M. and I got to get up early and taxi 20 miles to satisfy my ambition- How'd I get into this fix, this workaholic show- biz meditation market? If I had a soul I sold it for pretty words If I had a body I used it up spurting my essence If I had a mind it got covered with Love- If I had a spirit I forgot when I was breathing If I had speech it was all a boast If I had desire it went out my anus If I had ambitions to be liberated how'd I get into this wrinkled person? With pretty words, Love essences, breathing boasts, anal longings, famous crimes? What a mess I am, Allen Ginsberg.

IV Sleepless I stay up & think about my Death --certainly it's nearer than when I was ten years old and wondered how big the universe was- If I dont get some rest I'll die faster If I sleep I'll lose my chance for salvation- asleep or awake, Allen Ginsberg's in bed in the middle of the night.

V 4 a.m. Then they came for me, I hid in the toilet stall They broke down the toilet door It fell in on an innocent boy Ach the wooden door fell in on an innocent kid! I stood on the bowl & listened, I hid my shadow, they shackled the other and dragged him away in my place-How long can I get away with this? Pretty soon they'll discover I'm not there They'll come for me again, where can I hide my body? Am I myself or some one else or nobody at all? Then what's this heavy flesh this weak heart leaky kidney? Who's been doing time for 65 years in this corpse? Who else went into ecstasy besides me? Now it's all over soon, what good was all that come? Will it come true? Will it really come true?

VI I had my chance and lost it, many chances & didn't take them seriously enuf. Oh yes I was impressed, almost went mad with fear I'd lose the immortal chance, One lost it. Allen Ginsberg warns you dont follow my path to extinction

--Allen Ginsberg (March 31, 1992)

sometime spacing; for now no-thing sound.

My post-Hotmail MSN news window:

Sneezin' season?
What "I'll call you" means
Can you be fat & successful?

Haiku Wednesday.

Look, hundreds of annotations to A. Roy's God of Small Things! As fun as reading the dictionary.
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Now reading: Little Red Cookbook

Remember, body...

Body, remember not only how much you were loved,
not only the beds on which you lay,
but also those desires which for you
plainly glowed in the eyes,
and trembled in the voice -- and some
chance obstacle made them futile.
Now that all belongs to the past,
it is almost as if you had yielded
to those desires too -- remember,
how they glowed, in the eyes looking at you;
how they trembled in the voice, for you, remember, body.

--Constantine P. Cavafy (1918)

never mind "cellar door"...

[The] two most beautiful words in the English language are "check enclosed".
--Dorothy Parker

In his essay "English and Welsh", Tolkien recalls how he once saw the words Adeiladwyd 1887 (It was built 1887) cut on a stone-slab. It was a revelation of beauty. "It pierced my linguistic heart," he recalls. It turned out that Welsh was full of such wonderful words. Tolkien found it difficult to communicate to others what really was so great about them, but in his essay he makes an honest attempt: "Most English-speaking people...will admit that cellar door is 'beautiful', especially if dissociated from its sense (and from its spelling). More beautiful than, say, sky, and far more beautiful than beautiful. Well then, in Welsh for me cellar doors are extraordinarily frequent, and moving to the higher dimension, the words in which there is pleasure in the contemplation of the association of form and sense are abundant."

Through the Welsh cellar door into the Finnish wine-cellar

Donnie Darko is worth a second viewing, if only to watch Drew Barrymore (of all people!) channel Zillah to a 'T'. Spooky. Movie ended about five minutes before the film stopped running, but I forgive it the end-credits music; cover of "Mad World" was more than worth it. Between this and Adaptation I hope never to see a human being hit by a vehicle again.