know thyself

Just spent a great afternoon with the fabulous Nobuko, wending our way around the concrete wilderness that is Orlando, FL in search of a not-so-boring spot to take a picture. Retold some heavy stuff, talked the whole time, had yummy chai and poundcake, and left feeling exhilarated and scared silly. Still, makes me wonder - why am I comfortable putting my name and photo 'out there' to stand up and be unafraid? Why shouldn't I be? Why do I still feel like I've overstepped my bounds? Why am I so hesitant to name and put into words these things I dance around verbally even as I type this? Argh. Even writing out the sentence puts me in the passive position: I was abused. I was raped. Has to be that way as I can't name names, not now. Some part of me has to wonder, too: why does it matter? Is it that important for me to say this? What am I getting out of it? Why can't I just let it go and be done and get on with my life? This is silly and disgusting. Gazing ever inward and backward and downward isn't getting me anywhere but stuck. Know thyself. What if I don't like me? Can I leave? Make friends with someone else who'll take over the position? I haven't sounded this 15 since I was 15. I'll be twenty again tomorrow, I promise. Yuck.